This is SO going into a novel!
So, if you were to imagine the most amusing thing that could have fallen out of your backpack at the library, leading the librarian to rush after you to return it, what would it be? ‘Cos my story today pwns everything else I can think of. Mostly because, had it been intentional, it would have been legendarily corny. Contemplating doing that on purpose would have made Tobias Fünke blush.
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14 Responses to “This is SO going into a novel!”
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July 24th, 2010 at 21h38
If it wasn’t clear I’m courting some responses first, because no one will want to answer after I explain what the real story is — given that nothing else could hold up. :-p
July 24th, 2010 at 23h53
It wasn’t a book about how to woo a librarian?
July 25th, 2010 at 00h03
Funny! More jokes, people!
July 25th, 2010 at 00h04
Forgive me, but my first thought was this, and I have not been able to come up with any other. “A half empty box of Magnum condoms.”
July 25th, 2010 at 00h12
“A half empty box of Magnum condoms.”
Holy shit. Bingo. It was a new box, but, yes, that’s correct.
July 25th, 2010 at 00h22
Was it a “Be vewy vewy quiet, I’m hunting wabbits” sign?
Was it “The Dewey Decimal System’s Guide to Pornography” or “The Pornographer’s Guide to the Dewey Decimal System”?
Was it a JBR Clothing catalog with the Bettie Page Librarian Jumper page dog-eared?
Was it an ear of corn, loose, looking like it doesn’t care?
Was it a “Librarians do it between the covers” t-shirt?
Was it a book of “World Library People on Postage Stamps”?
Was it a dissertation on “Why Rupert Giles is the Sexiest Librarian on TV”?
Was it … OMG, JUST TELL US!!
July 25th, 2010 at 00h28
Ah, post races, @truly! But I love all of yours as well.
So funny that @Rob got it. I have been wondering if that means, if I put it in a story, people will see it … well, will see it about to be appearing (?).
July 25th, 2010 at 02h10
Yes, @Rob got it WHILE but his response wasn’t there when I started typing mine. Another case of losing out because I just didn’t type fast enough … oh internetz, you are a cruel mistress!
As for putting it in a story … I think as long as you don’t telegraph the punchline, you’ll be fine. In fact, it didn’t occur to me and you’d mentioned that very topic just, what? yesterday? And then hinted at me today that the answer to your query was the thing you’d only just told me yesterday. AND I STILL spent all that time trying to come up with humorous things that could have fallen out of your backpack that related in so way to librarians. Honesly, it never occurred to me that you have a habit of storing your condoms in your backpack.
Though, now that you say it, it does seem like it would make a good SNL skit at the least or a good scene in the sequel to either “The Hangover” or “The 40-Year-Old Virgin”, no doubt starring the potty-mouthed Katherine Heigl as the librarian who, after you left, went to tell her other librarian co-workers what you’d just done and how it fucking pissed her off that you’d tried to embarrass her. A week later, you’d be dating, but then she’d leave you for some real asshole who had, in fact, intentionally embarrassed her on a much more massively public level. And everyone will live happily ever after – including you who, during the ending credits, meets a woman buying magnum sized tampons, you bump boxes and it’s like a sign. Ther’e's smiles and flirty glances. All the decent childs will leave wishing they were her and all the decident guys will leave wishing they were you. And the other, the ones tho thing either Katherine Heigl’s character or the read asshole’s characters are role models, will be left in side, locked in, while the French Underground burns down the theater in a massive anti-hitler (and anti-shollow people) statement a la Inglorious Basterds.
Dude, you’d you’d be rich – one you proved you had no connection to the radital asonists – then you could have any girl of your chooseing. You’d get to go to Comic Con and choose whichever version of Leia in a slavegirl outfit turned you on.
You know, or whatever.
So yeah that’ll be the NEXT BIG DATE MOVIE for 2011.
July 25th, 2010 at 02h39
Honestly, it never occurred to me that you have a habit of storing your condoms in your backpack.
I carry a lot of things in my backpack (where I also carry my laptop and Kindle). Things that I think, “Hey, I might need these while I’m out, and they’re relatively lightweight!” Corkscrew. AA batteries. Passport. Variety of electronics cables. Notebook (the paper kind). Mechanical pencil. Sharpie. Latex gloves (don’t ask). Business cards. Headphone splitter. Extra ponytail elastics. Hairbrush. SD card. Traditionally, but not currently, a photograph from an abattoir (seriously, don’t ask). Blank CD-R or two. USB flash drive, as mentioned, which probably suffered the same tumbling fate without a friendly librarian to chase after me.
So clearly part of my reasoning is that I’ll be at … you know, the library or a coffee shop or something and … will end up in a situation in which I’ll need condoms. That, uh … hasn’t happened. Yet.
July 25th, 2010 at 02h57
then you could have any girl of your choosing. You’d get to go to Comic Con and choose whichever version of Leia in a slavegirl outfit turned you on
If the field is Comic-Con, and it is indeed “any girl of [my] choosing”, it would have to be Felicia Day, Kari Byron, or Francesca Dani. Or, wait: how many can I have again?
Have I mentioned that geek girls rule?
(P.S. @truly, I’m assuming, from the progression of your comment, that either your genius brother found the secret to world peace in some special water in Texas and you were racing to hit “Submit”, or that bouquets and mice were involved somehow.)
July 25th, 2010 at 03h47
Neither. (Brother’s not that industrious/lucky), but remember the drugs and flowers I went out to buy yesterday? Well, I ended up with chocolate and drugs instead, but same deal. Anyway, the point being, I should not be posting once I’ve gone the way of Alice as it were. I get a little rambly and I start to make spelling errors – but on the plus side, the computer screen goes a bit 3D all by itself without me having to wear those stupid glasses, which is what I think is going to happen for the next Harold & Kumar movie – it’s in 3D, but they’re going to give us drugs instead of 3D glasses. I asked NPH if this is true, but he either didn’t know or has been sworn to secrecy.
July 25th, 2010 at 08h52
What I love is that Josh was quick to correct that it was new, full box, but didn’t also say anything like “And they weren’t Magnum”. That leaves the reader to wonder . . . no correction necessary or didn’t want to address that detail?
(Let’s leave it at wondering. I don’t think I want to know. I just find the potential lack of attention to that aspect amusing.)
I had similar thoughts as Rob, but didn’t dare type it.
July 25th, 2010 at 09h22
My dad told me a dumb Cold War joke one time, years ago:
Without the size “detail”, there’s no punchline to the Cold War joke, right?
July 25th, 2010 at 09h32
Actually, I think it would have been more amusing to leave @Amal hanging for an implicit “Some will get it, some won’t, and I wonder what that says about the reader?” But I don’t like jokes at the expense of longtime friends — even implicit ones. Implicit jokes, that is.
That, of course, and responding to the comment here avoids the necessity of getting a bullhorn and going up on my roof.