Archive for May, 2010

My recycled tweets for 2010-05-31

Mon, 31 May 2010 07:59:00 +0000
  • The #pollen count warning for today is officially "Stay inside and try not to die." Glurgle glorg. #
  • Met my first #Vermont separatist today! Short-term plans, tho: he is sure there will be global political and economic collapse in Nov (2010) #
  • "We can make it!" #4wordsbeforedeath #
  • "I packed it myself" #4wordsbeforedeath #
  • "The green wire, right?" #4wordsbeforedeath #
  • "Bet he'll swerve first" #4wordsbeforedeath #

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My recycled tweets for 2010-05-28

Fri, 28 May 2010 07:59:00 +0000
  • Hardwick, Vermont: Coolest. Freaking. Place. Ever. #

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My recycled tweets for 2010-05-27

Thu, 27 May 2010 07:59:00 +0000
  • For apartheid connoisseurs: current master Israel tried to sell then-master South Africa nuclear weapons in 1975. http://bit.ly/caj5WN #
  • "no amount of suffering from #rape is as great as the suffering our Lord suffered on the cross for our sins" http://bit.ly/dhgetb #religion #
  • #Atlantis, we will miss thee. You've been a good ship, pretty lady. http://bit.ly/b8enK4 #NASA #SpaceShuttle #
  • 90 degree temperatures this afternoon. Now a severe thunderstorm warning with 60+ mph winds possible. Ah, #Vermont! #

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My recycled tweets for 2010-05-26

Wed, 26 May 2010 07:59:00 +0000
  • has been staying at hotels and watching TV for the first time in "like forever", and has been reminded why he doesn't watch TV. #
  • has some very, very difficult and important thinking to do. #
  • No one thinks to witness but they will someday. I will be what I could be. I will have it all. #
  • Email just now: "Joshua, you have been selected to receive Trailer Life." Well, screw you, freebizmag.com! #
  • I've been meaning to send a thank-you letter to #MartinGardner for years. I never did, and he has died. We'll miss you. http://bit.ly/9rItFF #
  • I knew I forgot something at Rite Aid. I told the cashier that I had. And I've remembered it! CD-Rs! Note to self: make lists! #
  • Hearing a small river right outside my window is SO MUCH BETTER than hearing a highway right outside my window. Also: BREATHABLE AIR. W00t. #
  • Note: @NoteRobot is … odd. It retweets if you use the "Note to ssself" cliche in your tweet. Extra esses to prevent a retweet. #
  • I need the CD-Rs to burn the Ubuntu ISO I downloaded to replace the miserable vomitous mass that is Windows 7 on the new PC with a real O.S. #

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Startling synchronicity

Wed, 26 May 2010 05:57:44 +0000

Working through my many thoughts and plans, I stumbled upon this poem by Terrance Jacobus over at Exquisite Corpse:

YOU WILL TAKE IT WITH YOU

You can’t take away

From yourself

What you have truly given

Yourself

Even if you think

You lost it

It’s still there

Somewhere

And if you find it

You will take it with you

And if you don’t find it

You will take it with you

Wherever you go

Whatever you do

While you live

And when you die

You will take it with you

“Synchronicity” in the coincidental, non-paranormal sense.

How to Stop Worrying and Learn to Love the Internet

Tue, 25 May 2010 20:54:32 +0000

In honor of Towel Day, here is a look back at a prescient — a crazy-prescient — article by Douglas Adams in 1999:

1) everything that’s already in the world when you’re born is just normal;

2) anything that gets invented between then and before you turn thirty is incredibly exciting and creative and with any luck you can make a career out of it;

3) anything that gets invented after you’re thirty is against the natural order of things and the beginning of the end of civilisation as we know it until it’s been around for about ten years when it gradually turns out to be alright really.

We didn’t need a special word for interactivity in the same way that we don’t (yet) need a special word for people with only one head. … Interactivity.  Many-to-many communications.  Pervasive networking.  These are cumbersome new terms for elements in our lives so fundamental that, before we lost them, we didn’t even know to have names for them.

Worth a read.  Really.  Invest some time and read it, and remember one of the great minds and wits of the 20th century.  And read it while holding your towel.  That brown stain?  It’s barbecue sauce.

Post fragment. Another. Good technique. Will be used more later.

Tue, 25 May 2010 14:38:21 +0000

I intend a long post updating my legions of fans about all the … all the stuff … that’s been going on.  But weird writer-Josh feels the need to do it as a careful and literate essay of a post.  He reminds the reader that such allusions to a post that doesn’t, in fact, yet exist are no substitute for the real thing and therefore will not get the author (indolent goof-off that he is) off the proverbial hook — but he will follow through on this.  In time.  But short time.

I hardly believe; finally the shades are raised.

My recycled tweets for 2010-05-24

Mon, 24 May 2010 07:59:00 +0000
  • is keeping his peeps updated that all is copacetic and that he, as it were, is doing fucking radly. #
  • is also reflecting that his dinner is about to get cold, so he's going to go see if there's anything on Spike. #

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My recycled tweets for 2010-05-23

Sun, 23 May 2010 07:59:00 +0000
  • is safe, warm, away from home, and possibly incommunicado for long stretches. #

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My recycled tweets for 2010-05-21

Fri, 21 May 2010 07:59:00 +0000
  • Test tweet from blackberry. Moo!!! #
  • Ok #

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My recycled tweets for 2010-05-16

Sun, 16 May 2010 07:59:00 +0000
  • Classmates.com email subject: "[Name] published a new note. What else is new?" Ambiguity likely unintended. #

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My recycled tweets for 2010-05-15

Sat, 15 May 2010 07:59:00 +0000
  • Quick: What's the difference between South America and South Africa?  http://twitpic.com/1nrwex #
  • Again thinking "Why does my email/tweet volume drop precipitously on Friday nights?!" #
  • Trying to formulate a "watching 'Do You Wanna Date My Avatar?' on repeat" joke that won't creep out @feliciaday :-)  #
  • #JessicaLowndes: An upsetting reminder that three years can turn a crazy-cute minor into a crazy-hot adult. #
  • Wow, #xkcd missed putting an "Usher Raymond" joke into the tooltip of http://www.xkcd.com/740/ #
  • One of the best ambigrams I've ever seen http://twitpic.com/1nw7mm #
  • If the "trademark" symbol is ever copyrighted, I'll need more levels of superscript in my word processor. #

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Everybody’s eating fun size, fun size

Fri, 14 May 2010 14:15:36 +0000

Niall story:

As a combo bribe/reward (we need a portmanteau word for that) I told Niall I would buy him candy from the corner market at the end of our walk.  He chose some Skittles that had one flavor in the shell and another in the center — good gimmick for a six-year-old.  He was quite pleased, and happy that I had bought him something so cool.

Niall:  “And it’s a big bag, it’s not just ‘Fun Size’!”

Joshua:  “It’s not fun?”

Niall:  “No, it’s more fun.  It’s a big bag.”

Joshua:  “Why do they call the little ones “Fun Size”, then?”

Niall:  “They’re fun for grown-ups, because it means kids aren’t eating as much sugar.”

My recycled tweets for 2010-05-14

Fri, 14 May 2010 07:59:00 +0000
  • Can God compose a tweet so in-jokey that even He doesn't get it? #
  • Do you know what would be REALLY great right now? No, me neither. #
  • YOU came to get down, and WE should get out [of] our seats and jump around? Why are you so special? I'm Rosa Parks, bitch. #
  • Watching #Fringe. Do you know what I hate? THIS SHOW. #
  • #Facebook: Reconnect with friends from your past — and re-experience food poisonings from your past when you see what's happened to them! #
  • All the way to the end, please, readers RT @Monicks In The Amount Of Time It Takes You To Read This… [Infographic] http://post.ly/fw3G #
  • Certain bars are wagering their success on certain groins. Care to guess what the article's talking about? http://bit.ly/9ItjZS #

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Seattle’s best farce

Fri, 14 May 2010 00:25:12 +0000

Starbucks reinvented fast food by taking a reasonably-good product and convincing consumers that it was gourmet.

Then Starbucks started being thought of as too fast-foody, so it reinvented itself as eco-chic (I mean, come on.  $3.50 for a bottle of water, a dime of which goes to the third world?  Why not drink out of the tap and send, oh, I don’t know, $3.50 to charity?)

Then Starbucks started being thought of as too corporate.  So their solution: buy a smaller line of faux-gourmet coffee.  And market the new ownership by — yes — joking that the new (already-corporate) company they just purchased were guerrilla hipsters bent on toppling Starbucks itself.

What my cat Sebastian said upon accidentally clawing up the ‘Y’ key from my laptop keyboard

Thu, 13 May 2010 22:58:10 +0000

I think it was “We spellz it kitteh!  We dont neeeed that kee!”

Or maybe it was “What?!  Why are you mad?!  I didn’t do anything!!!”

But I believe my memory is failing me.  I think it is likely to have been a blank stare, a shrug of boredom, and a pronounced stalking-away to find a different warm place to sit.

Best creationism joke ever?

Thu, 13 May 2010 22:28:23 +0000


[image at site]

Why I love this country, reason #227

Thu, 13 May 2010 16:05:24 +0000

So, my truck was stolen.  It’s been missing for several weeks.  It was recovered today by the Arcadia police department, who had it towed some twenty miles away to the lot of a private tow company.  I received a message from the Arcadia PD to this effect, with the number to the tow truck company.

I called the tow truck company.  To release the vehicle, I apparently need to bring in a vehicle release form from the PD.

Also, my registration has lapsed.  I’ve been not operating it, but apparently I needed to give the DMV money for the right to have it parked and not being operated.  Fun.  And I didn’t do that.  The registration expired in January.

But apparently my registration was canceled last June.  This was because I didn’t have it insured.  This seemed reasonable because, you know, I wasn’t driving it.

Also, for a long and horrible reason that deserves a longer explanation in a later post, I don’t have the title for the vehicle.

That’s not the only thing I need to release the vehicle, though.  I owe the tow company $175.  For towing my stolen vehicle to a lot absurdly distant.  I don’t need the truck any longer.  I asked them if it would be OK to just sign it over to them.  They said they needed the original pink slip.  I asked if it would be OK to give them DMV form 227, which is expressly designed to allow transfer of ownership with a stolen title.  No, that’s not OK.  I need the original.  I would get this, by mail, through the DMV.

This would be fine, except that they will charge me $50 per day to keep my truck on their lot.  Now, they automatically own the car after 42 days, at which point they’d hold a lien sale.  But I’d still owe them for the accumulated storage costs ($2100), minus the amount of money they’d get for the truck at auction (roughly $13.17, largely due to damage done by the thieves, resulting in the ignition being destroyed in some fashion and the driver’s side door not being closable.)

So, on genius advice, I called the local NPR station to see if they would come pick it up.  They can do that, as early as tomorrow.  And they will accept the transfer-of-ownership-without-title form.  So I can get the release form from the Arcadia PD, pay the tow company $225 ($175 in tow fees plus $50 in storage fees), for the right to donate my car to charity.

So I called Arcadia back, to see what the procedure is to get a release form.

“Well, normally you would come down here and get one,” I was told.  “But your registration has lapsed.  Normally we’d release it anyway, because you’re the victim.  But it’s been ten months [since, unbeknown to me, the DMV canceled my registration].  So it’s up to the watch commander.”

“So, basically, what you’re saying is that whether or not I get a form allowing me to reclaim my vehicle that was stolen from me is up to the discretion of whoever is sitting behind the desk at that moment?” I asked.

“Yeah, that’s basically what I’m saying,” I was told.

“That’s funny.  I thought we had a system of laws to determine issues such as these,” I responded.

“Well, we do,” she said.  “But a big part of it is institutional policy.”

What?  Institutional policy?  That’s … surely not what she means.  Surely she means something like “officer discretion”.  I later had a debate with my father about this (short, because I ended it) about whether on not police discretion was reasonable.  I contended that it was not.  My father contended that it was just fine.  I recounted a story I had heard about a police officer who explains that she won’t give tickets for driving under the influence.  It would be hypocritical, she argued, because she drives drunk.  Isn’t officer discretion … what gets us into a place in which minorities are disproportionately targeted versus white people?  Basically, it seems, whether or not I get my release tomorrow is a function of how much the cop likes my story and how I look.  Christ.

So, I’ll keep my readers posted.  We’ll see if I can get police permission to pay hundreds of dollars to a private company contracted by a California city for absconding with and storing a vehicle stolen from me to allow me the right to donate the vehicle to charity.

My recycled tweets for 2010-05-13

Thu, 13 May 2010 07:59:00 +0000
  • Great album: #Korn, "See You on the Other Side". Nu-metal-heads who hate its originality: bite me. #MM #MusicMonday #YesIKnowItIsNotMonday #
  • RT @nep If you want to understand Twitter, here's a #porn star tweeting about her grandfather's death/funeral: @jelenajensen #
  • "El Secreto de Sus Ojos" was such a great movie. I didn't know it had #RicardoDarin in it until the opening credits (love him). #
  • Q: What do other users do about obviously-spam followers? Bother to block, or just ignore them? Why? #
  • There's a "Paint the Sky" joke here, but I'm too classy to make it. http://n.pr/bvseJi #
  • Inevitably, the place my cat most wants to be is the 20cm by 20cm square where my foot is about to step. EVERY step. #cat #cats #
  • H: "My brother-in-law did that" Me: "I haven't seen Robert in YEARS!" H: "Oh, Robert died a couple years ago" Me: "Huh. I guess that's why" #
  • Q: "I'm surrounded by some kids at play. I can feel their laughter, so why do I sear?" A: "'Cause they're so fucking LOUD" (Please shut up!) #
  • RT @joshuaj7 classic #ipad #iphone joke http://su.pr/1OuDkU #
  • With as much as #Republicans fear change, one would think they'd throw more coins into the "end hunger" tubs in the checkout line. (Get it?) #
  • Suggestion: Never walk by a rock club you frequent in the daytime. You'll go home and scrub your skin off after realizing where you've been. #
  • Very funny, #hulu! Joke's over. Please give me back my controls now! #
  • I stand by my six-years-ago self: #Calpis and vodka rocks. #Calpico http://www.mcgees.org/calpis-and-vodka/ #
  • If you live in your car, and you press "Go Home" on your GPS nav, does it say "You have arrived" immediately? #

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Grammar errors, and my respective responses

Wed, 12 May 2010 21:58:47 +0000

Errors that grate on me, but will likely pass without comment:

  • its/it’s confusion (this one is so hopelessly irregular that I’m usually cool with it)
  • to/too confusion (this one is too easily a typing error)
  • pluralizing an initialism with an apostrophe, such as “DVD’s” (this is yucky, but it can be difficult to disambiguate whether the terminal ‘s’ is part of the initialism or not)
  • using ‘their’ and ‘them’ as neuter third-person singular pronouns (there really isn’t a good solution for this one yet)
  • uninterested/disinterested confusion (I really like this distinction, but whatever)
  • tasteless/flavorless confusion (chalkboard moment, but OK)
  • spelling errors that will generate a red underline in Firefox (that is, the misspelling itself is not a word) bother me, but for some (unfathomable) reason, some people don’t use browsers with spell-checkers or turn the checkers off

Errors that are likely to evoke pity, because they suggest that the author is attempting to sound more intelligent than he is:

  • using “beg(s) the question” to mean anything other than petitio principii
  • ultimate/penultimate confusion (you poor sod)

Errors that are likely to make me think you are a moron, whether or not I inform you of this fact:

  • pluralizing anything other than an initialism with an apostrophe (I mean, come on)
  • your/you’re confusion (this one is not even hard.  if you say ‘ur’, I’m likely to contract someone to kill you.  just FYI.)
  • there/their/they’re confusion (you can avoid confusing your phone number, social security number, and locker combination, right?)

All of these are subject to cruel and unusual enforcement if you are writing here and are insulting me while doing so.

Bonus:  A banana through the mail to anyone who finds an egregious grammar error in this post!

Dawkins: If Science Worked Like Religion

Wed, 12 May 2010 14:30:33 +0000

[video at site]

OK, so he’s a snarky ass.  We all know that, even those of us who love him.  And the clip is very entertaining and, in my opinion, worth watching.

Relating to geographic distribution of scientific thought — and his argument as to the absurdity of such a contention — I’d like to point out, however, a passage in one of his books (which, I can’t remember) in which he wrote (roughly, as I haven’t bothered to research where I read it) the following:

Remarking on a smug challenge he received in at an American evolutionary conference, criticizing his depiction of evolution as ‘gradual’, he reflected that this was not at all uncommon.  “Like most lay Americans interested in biology, this man was educated almost entirely by Stephen Jay Gould, and taught to conclude that we ‘gradualists’, in contrast to those believing in ‘punctuated’ evolution, were benighted idiots.”  That likely very far from the exact text, but I tried to make it as Dawkins-sounding as possible.

My recycled tweets for 2010-05-12

Wed, 12 May 2010 07:59:00 +0000

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Peoplelistening experiences

Wed, 12 May 2010 02:02:35 +0000

At the movies today, I heard several weird things — and as I am getting so much better about refraining from saying the first thing that pops into my head, and instead saving them to relate here, I thought I’d indulge myself thusly.

For instance, I was being helped by someone at the concessions counter.  As he was filling my drink, I saw that he had a large, elaborate tattoo reading “Cynthia” on his right forearm.

“Is that ink still relevant?” I asked.

“”Technically’”, he responded, using finger quotes.  Then he looked down at his arm.  “Oh, you mean that one?  No.  She doesn’t exist.”

And I succeeded in not saying something like “You might want to think about settling down soon.  You’re going to run out of skin.”

Also, for the second time now, I was asked for spare change by a panhandler who was, at that moment, talking on a mobile phone.  “You might want to think about eliminating your data plan” is what sprung into my mind.  But instead I gave him two quarters.

Further, outside the theater, there were two young women.  One was screaming into a mobile phone: “I have so much in my future!  I have great things in my future!  I can do so much better than you!”  I was tempted to pretend to read a sign until she got off the phone and say “So … you’re single, then?”  But, no.  Didn’t.  :-)

Finally, two (other) women were standing outside the theater trying to decide what to see.  One was perusing the titles and showtimes, and the other was … doing something else.  Not sure.  Looking at posters, I think.

The former said: “Do you want to see Hot Tub Machine or The Jonasses?”  The latter answered.  The former replied, “OK.  But I want to see that other movie at some point: L.A. Mission.”  For real.  I was dumbstruck.

Nothing sprung into my mind immediately, but it would probably have been something like “I see why you go to the movies instead of staying home to read a book.”  But that would be dickish even by my standards, and there is a fish/barrel threshold beyond which it’s not even fun.

In the post category, I, of course, am the asshole.

My recycled tweets for 2010-05-10

Mon, 10 May 2010 07:59:00 +0000
  • #Science-skeptics: #ClimateChange is "a lie" and "a conspiracy", right? RT @algore Rain at the North Poll in April: http://bit.ly/bXFG9t #
  • Although, I'm pretty sure @algore meant "North POLE". See, poll/pole confusion is what happens when a politician turns scientist. :-)  #
  • My mom: "Hungry? Want an apple?" Me: "I don't eat apples any more. They're too expensive and don't give you enough control over the genome." #

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Family saga found on web — worth reading

Sun, 09 May 2010 19:24:35 +0000

I usually try to keep trashy family/crime dramas off of this site — mostly because of the terrible problems with the Outlaw post — but this (creepy) story I stumbled upon is, I think, worth a read.

From web:

I’m just sharing my story because some people asked…

Wow… okay, I wasn’t sure if I was ever going to tell anyone about this, but it’s late and I’m sleep deprived so i guess I’ll just write it now and regret it in the morning

First of all, – just for some background: My mom died right when I was born, (she was actually really, really hot- but this isn’t about her. I guess that’s fucked up to say, but whatever.) I actually grew up with my dad’s family, because my dad has all sorts of emotional issues and he bailed before I was born. So you can see, my childhood was really kind of messed up.

Anyways, growing up I feel like there was always a lot of distance between me and my sister. When I was about 17 or 18 I first noticed that my sister was a hottie.

I don’t want to go into to many details about it, but basically what happened is that I accidentally found a video that she made of herself. I knew she didn’t make it for me- but I thought she was so fucking beautiful that I watched it twice. Probably would have watched it a hell of a lot more, except that like right around the time I found the video, all this crazy shit went down and I had to leave home. (My dad’s family who I was staying with got in bad trouble with the law. I never talk about it).

Sooo… I was totally lusting after my sister at that point. She was also having bad trouble with the law. She was actually in custody when I left home.

My friend and I went to go pick her up. When I saw her that day, after seeing the video, I have to be honest, I just wanted to fuck her brains out. Looking back on it now, it’s pretty messed up- but I think she had feelings for me too. She actually kissed me right after we came to get her… and it wasn’t a sisterly kiss, you know? I mean, it wasn’t like ridiculously sexual or anything, but it definitely wasn’t sisterly.

After we left, we all went to crash with my Sister’s friends. On the trip there, my friend sort of implied that he wanted to get with my Sister, and I got a little jealous. He’s a good looking guy- and even though she was my sister- I just felt like he was competition. Not much else happened between us for a while except some maybe-sexy hugging.

Pretty much everyone in my life at that point was wanted by the government, so we all moved around a lot. I’m not saying that I’m proud of it or anything, but it was kind of an awesome time.

My friend and my sister never hooked up I don’t think- but I thought there was some serious sexual tension going on between them. It was around that time that I got really badly hurt in an accident. It was fucked up. I almost died. But when I was in recovery my sister came to see me, and out of the clear blue sky she started gives me this awesome, slow, passionate kiss on the lips.

Sadly (although, I guess for the best) nothing ever came of it. We spent some time apart… and I started to get really religious, so I tried not to think of her that way. It was actually going well for a long time- like I was totally over her. But I have to say, like a year or so after all that stuff went down, we were out sailing (not like a date or anything romantic like that), and she was wearing like the hottest bikini I’ve ever fucking seen and it brought back all the old feelings. Sigh.

A little while later she actually wound up with my friend from before (the sexual tension guy). I can’t say I was surprised.

But even after she was shacking up with my friend, there was one time we were at a party… my friend was inside, and my sister and I were outside alone. It was a really intimate moment. I think something might have happened, except that I killed the mood when I told her that Darth Vader was our father and that I had to go face him.

My recycled tweets for 2010-05-08

Sat, 08 May 2010 07:59:00 +0000
  • Those jerks were too lazy to even heat my lunch. Hello? How hard is it to microwave #sushi?! #
  • In testing the new #TSA scanners, an agent was teased about his small cock. So he got even with a baton. A big one. http://bit.ly/9J2tZl #

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“God Spot” Article: OFFS

Fri, 07 May 2010 16:35:57 +0000

An old joke (presumably told by heavy drinkers?) is that an alcoholic is “someone who drinks more than his doctor.”

So, in this article by Erin Anderssen in The Globe and Mail, placed (incorrectly, I’d argue) in the “Science” section:

In Rorschach ink-blot studies, for instance, believers tended to see images that weren’t there and non-believers tended to miss images that were present.

So, by this definition, the classification of a religionist versus an atheist is the religiosity of the psychologist?  I mean, we’re talking about Rorschach blots.  Gah.

That is one of the least-absurd parts of the article.

Why am I linking to a worthless article?  As a case study of how ridiculous most journalistic coverage of religious opinion is.  Basically, there are two articles one finds:

1) “Quote quote inference quote quote unfounded inference quote quote zOMG God exists!!1!

2) “Quote quote inference quote quote unfounded inference quote quote zOMFSM God doesn’t exist!!1!

I’m not going to belabor my views on the issue of religious belief.  Any reasonably-regular reader will know them already.  My stance, briefly, is that all people are fucking useless morons and should be avoided whenever possible.

My recycled tweets for 2010-05-07

Fri, 07 May 2010 07:59:00 +0000

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Facebook humor FAILs

Fri, 07 May 2010 02:51:16 +0000

The frequency of people failing to get my jokes on Facebook suggests to me that I’m either far less clever than I think I am or far more clever.

Or maybe both?  I asked two logicians if this could be possible.  The first replied, “It seems paradoxical that you could be more clever than you think and not more clever than you think because we’re used to a formal logic system that prohibits the simultaneous truth of a postulate and its negation.”  The second logician then said to the first, “You know what else seems logically impossible?  Your MOM!  ‘Cause she’s so FAT!  Oh, SNAP!”  The latter then explained that his assessment of the obesity of the former’s mother might be amended if he were to “exclude her middle”.

Oh, and we had this conversation immediately after walking into a bar.

My recycled tweets for 2010-05-06

Thu, 06 May 2010 07:59:00 +0000

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