I’m going to put the blame for much bloodshed squarely on the shoulders of Google Translate.  Like this [imaginary -ed.]  story that came out a couple of days ago, about the U.S. (arrogant unwashed bastards!) trying to impose Jeffersonian Enlightenment ideals on the Middle East.  The U.S. reflects:

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

The U.S. tells this to Israel …

אנחנו מחזיקים אמיתות אלה להיות מובן מאליו, שכל בני האדם נוצרו שווים, שהם ניחנו ידי בוראם זכויות מסוימות צאן ברזל, כי בקרב אלה לחיים, לחירות את המרדף אחרי האושר.

… who tell it to the Palestinians …

ونحن نحمل هذه الحقائق لتكون بديهية ، أن جميع الناس خلقوا متساوين ، وأنهم هبوا من خالقهم بعض الحقوق الحديد الأغنام ، أنه من بين هذه الحياة والحرية والسعي لتحقيق السعادة.

… and the Palestinians tell the U.S. what Israel told them:

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, and that they are endowed by their Creator with certain rights, iron sheep, that among these life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

The Palestinians ask the U.S., “What the hell is with the iron sheep?  Are they saying we are iron sheep?  That we all have the right to iron sheep?  More likely, that only Israel has the right to iron sheep, no?!  That’s just like them!”

So the U.S. mediators try to calm them down.  They tell the Palestinians what they told Israel in the first place, and note that there’s nothing there about sheep at all …

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

… so the Palestinians say to the Israelis, “You idiots, what they said was this!”

ونحن نحمل هذه الحقائق لتكون بديهية ، أن جميع الناس خلقوا متساوين ، وأنهم هبوا من خالقهم بحقوق معينة غير قابلة للتصرف ، أنه من بين هذه هي الحياة والحرية والسعي لتحقيق السعادة.

The Israelis take it and mull it over …

אנחנו מחזיקים אמיתות אלה להיות מובן מאליו, שכל בני האדם נוצרו שווים, וכי הם ניחנו לפי עם בוראם זכויות מסוימות הן צאן ברזל, כי בקרב אלה הם החיים, החירות את המרדף אחרי האושר.

… then return to the U.S. and accuse them of telling the Palestinians:

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, and that they are endowed by their Creator with certain rights, iron sheep, that among these life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

“Is that true?” they say.  “Did you really call the Palestinians iron sheep?  ‘Cos we think that’s pretty cool.  They’re obstinate, hard to move, and are as dumb as ingots of steel.”  Then they think for a second and say, “Wait, did you bring up the iron sheep to them at all?  It looks like they’re calling us iron sheep!  What the hell?  This is supposed to be a peace process!  I’ll show you ‘iron sheep’, you

בני זונות

The Palestinians respond, “No it’s you who are the

اولاد القحبة

And the U.S. negotiator says, “See how McGee had to give the insults their own lines because there’s a switch from LtR to RtL reading order?  That’s some common ground for y’all to start from, isn’t it?  That y’alls write backwards?  In our opinion, the whole sorry lot of you are iron sheep, fuckers who can’t all but never write youze sentences in the right erection!”

Then both sides — separately — tell the U.S. that there was nothing precluding them from denying the other side rights, so what is the fuss about.  And the U.S. says, “It’s right there: inalienable!”  And the two parties (who aren’t talking to each other any-more-so-there) say “The word is unalienable, you twit, and the other side kinda deleted that sentiment.  If they are willing to alien our rights, we can alien right back.”

The U.S. negotiator goes back to requisition an unabridged dictionary to find out whether it is “inalienable” or “unalienable”, and, oh yeah, what does that mean?

Then there is much cursing, gnashing of teeth, a small amount of white phosphorus, and a smaller amount of white erudition.  And in the resulting confusion, no one bothers to tell the U.S. to leave because they aren’t helping.

Thu, 17 Sep 2009 21:32:04 +0000
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