There is a crushingly adorable — um — female — who works at the local Blockbuster Video store.  It’s the fact that I don’t know whether to say girl or young woman that I thought was the problem.  I stopped there with my very-longtime friend Nathan tonight, and asked, exiting, “So: jailbait?”

“Yeah,” he said.  “She’s a young-un.  It’s the braces that make someone look young.  Well — maybe she’s older.  I don’t know.”

Then I realized that the actual problem was that I was evaluating a potential partner based on the technicality of whether she was in kindergarten yet when I entered college, and then I felt kind of yucky, and decided not to tell anyone about it, except that I came home and posted it on a currently-four-PageRanked website with an international readership, with a URL that is my name and with several pictures of me on the masthead.  Good solution, no?

• I just thought, "Hey, why don't I download 'The Communist Manifesto' and read it tonight?"  Then I thought, "Maybe sleep is a better idea." #

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This started as a 122-character Tweet, which was going to say

Wikipedia has a “Snuff disambiguation” page.  This is frustrating for people who want nicotine and not to kill porn stars.

But aargh: I’m in a one-push excursion in Wikipedia now, both forking from that page, beginning on (respectively) “Snuff film” and “Snuff (tobacco)”.  Following link after link, pushing further into the bowels of Wikipedia with the plan to eventually pop (see stack) but never actually popping, because of the finite number of hours in one person’s life.

This has landed me outside of Wikipedia, into exploring “Antiques > Decorative Arts > Other” (where snuff boxes live on eBay), adding Tesis (7.6starswoot!) to my Netflix queue, and entirely forgetting how to monetize either.  Also, being reminded that Saddam Hussein was dead.

Sometimes I need to stop, realize that few people care, and admit that no one is paying me for blogging, despite my best efforts.

I’m pretty sure the A/C adapter on my laptop is going bye-bye, and in an effort to not have it take my laptop with it, I’ve unplugged it.  My mom lent me a Mac which is simply awesome and is making me think of giving up Ubuntu.

Oh, wait, I think I meant kinda like a plastic toy with fewer keyboard shortcuts, but, still, THANKS MOM!

Diss diss diss Mac Mac Mac.  I know, I know.  Here it is in two sentences: “Everything the designers thought you should do is trivially easy.  Everything they didn’t want you to do is completely fucking impossible.”  If it’s a choice between “makes the easy stuff easy, the hard stuff impossible, and everything uniformly pretty” and “makes the easy stuff possible, the hard stuff possible, and every UI look like a different mongrel dog”, please sign me up for the latter.  Except — most of the easy stuff is easy now in Ubuntu, and it’s getting more handsome.

Anyway — I may not respond quickly to your attempts at contact.  But I love you anyway.  Some of you.  You know who you are.

… if he knows what he’s talking about.  Which would rock.

Scene: You, due to some bad luck,  some bad planning, unauthorized charges, and excessive bank fees,  has lost his two checking accounts.  First WaMu closed his checking account, then BofA closed his checking account, due to extended periods of overdrawnth (caused, it should be said, because of $35 NSF fees they imposed.)    BofA has already established, in personal conversation, that You’s Money Market (interest-bearing) account is not affected by the closure of the checking account.  You wants to save money while salvaging what he can of his bank accounts.  Also, You has just learned about chexsystems, which allows banks to see whether people have mishandled checking accounts in the past.

Players:

In the role of “You:”, Joshua McGee, a customer of Bank of America
In the role of “Trevor”, a customer service representative who may or may not be called Trevor, who does not know the difference between the verbs “request” and “suggest”

Chat Information

Thank you for choosing Bank of America. You are now being connected to a Bank of America Online Banking Specialist.

Trevor: Hello! My name is Trevor. Thank you for being a valued Bank of America customer. I hope that you are having a great day!
Trevor: How may I assist you with your personal Checking and Savings accounts opened in ‘California’?

You: Hey Trevor, how’s it going?
You: I’m writing regarding my Balance Rewards Money Market account xxxxxxxxxx.

Trevor: Hi, I am doing good. Thank you.
Trevor: How about you.

You: I have a few questions.

Trevor: Please go ahead.

You: BofA recently closed my Checking account due to an overdrawn account
You: I was told that my savings account would not be affected
You: But as I think (?) I had some deal with having them linked, I wanted to see what’s in play now
You: In terms of fees, limits, etc.
You: I couldn’t figure it out from the basic help
You: Sorry
You: 1^st: is there a monthly service charge?

Trevor: I regret to hear that your account was closed due to overdrawn balance.

You: 2^nd: How many free deposits/withdrawals?
You: No problem
You: Not your fault

Trevor: I understand you wish to know more about your Money Market account.
Trevor: I am able to assist you in this regard.

You: Good job (for auditors)

Trevor: However, to proceed further, may I please have your complete name and the last four digits of your account number?

You: Thank you Trevor
You: Joshua McGee xxxx

Trevor: Thank you for providing the information, Joshua.

You: (to keep typing simultaneously:) 3^rd: what happens with things that would be overdrafts
You: ?
You: I’m not rushing you
You: Look up what you need to
You: But I might keep typing

Trevor: Could you please give me a moment while I retrieve your account information?

You: Of course
You: (I bet you have that line in a macro…)

Trevor: Thank you for your patience, Joshua.
Trevor: I value your precious time.

You: (knock it off

Trevor: I see that you have a Balance Rewards Money Market account ending in -xxxx.

You: Yes

Trevor: I request you to maintain minimum daily balance of $25,000 in account or link account to a Prima Relationship to avoid the fee of $20.00 in your account.

You: hmm
You: I’m in Chex now
You: So, given that
You: Is there a free (or cheaper) account?
You: I don’t even care if it’s interest-bearing
You: I’m trying to avoid the fee
You: I lost my job and became disabled

Trevor: I understand you wish to convert your account to another type.

You: So I have very little money right now
You: Yes – in such a way that Chex would not make the transfer fail

Trevor: However, to compare accounts, I request you to click on the following links:

You: I will do so – will you stay on the “line” here?

Trevor: For checking accounts, please click on the following link:
Trevor: http://www.bankofamerica.com/deposits/checksave/

You: I won’t be approved for a checking account

Trevor: For savings accounts, please click on the following link:
Trevor: http://www.bankofamerica.com/deposits/checksave/index.cfm?template=save_overview

You: Will you be here when I get back?
You:

Trevor: Yes, I am here to assist you.
Trevor: Is there anything else there I can assist you with?

You: “Regular Checking Account”, please
You: (maybe I have that already?)

Trevor: You mean you wish to convert your account to MyAccess checking account.

You: IF AND ONLY IF this will not cause my current account to close AND the new account to potentially fail to be approved

Trevor: Then, I request you to open a Prima with Tiered Interest checking account.

You: I don’t follow
You: Oh, I see
You: No, they won’t open one of those for me

Trevor: You mean you did not understand what I am saying?

You: As I said I am in Chexsystems now
You: I am 101% sure that I would be denied
You: This was largely beyond my control, and it sucks, but I’m trying to keep hold of what I can
You: Losing the savings account in the bargain would NOT be good

Trevor: I sincerely apologize to hear that.

Trevor: However, I request you to visit a nearest banking center and talk to a specialist about your concern and ask him to open a new account for you.

You: *sigh*

Trevor: I assure you that our specialists are able to fix this issue there and then.

You: This is beyond your power to help me with?
You: Fix *what*?
You: Can you say?

Trevor: They are able to open an account for you.

You: OK, Trevor, I will do that – but I’m hearing the implication that one account cannot be converted into another. Is that correct?
You: If that is not the case, are you saying that this IS possible but that you cannot do this for me?

Trevor: Please note that you can convert your account to a different account type.

You: Yes
You: Only at a banking centre?
You: I mean, we can’t do that, right now, tonight, right?

Trevor: I am able to convert your account to a different account type right away. But unable to open an account for you.

You: Yes. OK. Upon reflection:
You: The best thing might be for me to walk into an account with $300 in cash, in order to convert the account and meet the minimum balance
You: ?

Trevor: Yes.

You: (one question about that:)

Trevor: Please go ahead.

You: Is the $300 requirement an average daily balance requirement, or if the account balance drops to $299.99 at ANY point is the fee assessed?

Trevor: Yes, if the balance drops below $300.00 even if a single day, an account fee of $5.00 will be charged to your account.

You: Oh, it’s only $5?
You: Didn’t notice that

Trevor: Yes.

You: I was back at $20/$25 for the other account
You: Well – if there is NSF in the account when the fee is assessed, what happens?

Trevor: Yes.

You: Are there overdraft charges a la the checking accounts?

Trevor: No, there is no nsf fee charged to your account. But the Regular Savings Account offers three withdrawals per monthly statement cycle at no charge.

You: Yes

Trevor: After three withdrawals, the charge per withdrawal is $3.00 if the minimum daily balance is below $2,500.00.
Trevor: Please note that if the withdrawal limit is exceeded during three statement cycles in a 12-month rolling period, the account will be converted to a MyAccess Checking account.

You: So, I’d have a negative balance for a few days, I won’t get stung by another $35/whatever slap, right?

Trevor: Yes, your savings account will not be charged any fee of $35.00.

You: OK. So, with my current account the fee is $25 or whatever. For the Regular Savings it’s $5, with no overdraft penalty if I don’t have the $5 in there
You: correct?

Trevor: Yes.

You: OK

Trevor: But keep in the mind the excessive withdrawal fee of $3.00 as well when you exceed the transfers or withdrawals.

You: So it would seem reasonable to convert the account RIGHT NOW to the Regular Savings, and then go to deposit the $300 ASAP.
You: Unlimited deposits?

Trevor: Yes.

You: That should be fine

Trevor: You can make unlimited deposits.

You: I will mostly be depositing checks and transferring to PayPal or something, to burn only one w/d
You: So this works for me
You: You might not be able to advise me, but there are no apparent holes in my logic, right?
You: “allowed” I should say

Trevor: Yes.

You: OK
You: So:
You: Do you need stricter challenge-response questions to convert my account?
You: Or do you just push some buttons?
You: (I have a question that may be beyond your expertise, but maybe you do know or can refer me to documentation)

Trevor: However, to convert your account to a Regular savings account, I request you to write us an e-mail to our Customer Service Department.

You: I see

Trevor: You are able to send an e-mail to us by visiting the Customer Service tab and then selecting Send a Message to Customer Service, which is located on the left hand side of the screen.

You: This is not something we do while chatting, right?
You: OK, so, one more question?

Trevor: Yes.
Trevor: Please go ahead with your concern.

You: If I exceed the 3/per month on 3 months and the conversion happens to the checking account
You: Will that CONVERSION be denied?
You: I mean, if I’m still in Chex?

Trevor: No, you are not in chex.

You: Oh. I’m not?
You: Very surprised, but thank you.
You: You mean that you looked, and you are sure that I have no report, right?

Trevor: Thank you for your co-operation and understanding.

Trevor: Is there anything else there I can assist you with?

Trevor: Yes.

You: I’m sorry to take your time, but I do need at least one more clafication

Trevor: Please go ahead.

You: OK, so I’m not in chex. So if my savings account gets converted to a checking account after a year because I’m hitting it too frequently, then I’d get a checking account back? Not to belabor the point, but the checking account that they closed this month?
You: I mean, not the same account number
You: But it sounds like I could go in tomorrow and open another checking account without a chex record
You: I know this is beyond your purview
You: So tell me to get lost if you must

Trevor: I understand you would like to know if you can open an account with Bank of America if you exceed the limits of your savings account.

You: kinda

Trevor: Yes, as you will not be reported to the chexsystem for this concern.
Trevor: You can open another account with Bank of America.

You: I can go into a branch tomorrow and OPEN A CHECKING ACCOUNT, after they have closed my checking account for being overdrawn, and turned it over to collections?
You: Why in blazes would they be willing to do that?

Trevor: I understand your concerns regarding the closure of your account. I see that the account was closed because the balance was overdrawn for 120 consecutive days.
Trevor: In an attempt to avoid closing your account, we mailed notices to the address on file to make you aware of the outstanding balance. A final notice was sent stating the account was in jeopardy of closing and a date of closure was provided in the letter.

You: Correct
You: I understand
You: I didn’t have the money

Trevor: Each overdrawn account is evaluated on a case by case basis. The decision to close the account is made by the banking center manager where the account is maintained.

You: Yes.

You: You understand that I’m not complaining, right?
You: I mean, I know about the cut-and-pasted stuff

Trevor: I understand that.

You: But I doubt they will open a checking account for me, seeing as they JUST CLOSED ONE
You: (Am I missing something?)

Trevor: Yes, they will definitely open a new account for you.

Trevor: No, you are not missing anything.

You: Well then.

Trevor: Is there anything else there I can assist you with?

You: Yes. What is the minimum deposit for the most boring checking account? $45?
You: $25, I mean
You: ?
You: Do you have an employee/ID number for my records?

Trevor: Please note you need to maintain a minimum opening balance of $25.00 for the checking account.

You: (sorry to change subjects in medias res)
You: Yes
You: What does “maintain a minimum opening balance” mean?

Trevor: Unfortunately, we do not provide our numbers to the customers due to security concerns.

You: I see
You: So when I print this out, are you uniquely identified as Trevor?

Trevor: I am sorry for the typo error.
Trevor: Yes, I am Trevor.

You: deposit a minimuum of $25, right?
You: not “maintain”
You: ?

Trevor: You need to have a minimum opening balance of $25.00 in your checking account while opening a new MyAccess checking account.

You: yes

Trevor: Absolutely!

You: minimum balance is $0, correct?

Trevor: Yes.

You: OK
You: So, tomorrow, as long as I’m going anyway, I guess I’ll do the account conversion and the new account in the same trip

Trevor: If you open an account Online, it is free with direct deposit and minimum balance requirement.

You: Yes, but, I don’t have direct deposit available to me at this point
You: But thank you

Trevor: No, need to the new account.
Trevor: Thank you for your co-operation and understanding, Joshua.
Trevor: Is there anything else there I can assist you with?

You: You must be frustrated with me, sorry, but maybe one more

Trevor: No, I am not at all frustrated with you, Joshua.
Trevor: My job is to get things done for you.

You: If I were to go into a branch tomorrow, I could bring $25 to deposit in the new checking account, and as little as $0 to convert the type of savings account converted. Correct?

Trevor: I request you to open a new checking account Online to avoid the monthly fee.

You: I see
You: How to deposit the $25?

Trevor: You can deposit the money through the banking center.

You: A bricks-and-mortar branch?
You: (sorry)

Trevor: Whatever banking center it may be.

You: Yes. A PHYSICAL banking centre. So I open an account online, DON’T DEPOSIT ANYTHING, then somehow “activate” it when I go into a branch and deposit the $25+
You: Or will they want to charge a credit card $25 or something online?

Trevor: Do you have a Credit Card account?

You: BofA? No. But I have a Master Debit card

Trevor: I request you to transfer the amount from your Credit Card account to the new checking account you are opening.

You: OK – so I WILL NOT be able to open an account without a credit card?

Trevor: No, you are able to open an account.

You: I. Am. Sorry. I am feeling dense
You: I can open the account for $0

Trevor: But if you have credit card with you, why go to banking center to deposit the small amount of $25.00.

You: This saves me from a fee – a monthly fee – when I open online?
You: (Free coffee and donuts?
You: Or a one-time fee?
You: So, to sum everything up: I could theoretically deposit $375 with a credit card when opening the checking account

Trevor: Yes, when you open an account Online, your account will be free.

You: Trevor, free every month or free of an activation fee?

Trevor: No, you need to deposit the minimum balance of $25.00.
Trevor: Yes, it is free every month.

You: Understood
You: And would not be free every month if I opened it at a branch?
You: Web special thing?

Trevor: Please note, if you open a checking account at a banking center, you need to maintain a direct deposit from your employer each statement period to avoid the fee of $8.95 in your checking account.

You: I see. A MONTHLY $8.95 fee.

Trevor: Yes.

You: THANK YOU
You: Open checking account on line with as little as $0.

Trevor: Thank you for your co-operation and understanding.
Trevor: Is there anything else there I can assist you with?
Trevor: Absolutely!

You: Email Customer Support to convert savings account
You: Take $300 into branch ASAP to get the minimum balance in place before 9/1 (?)

Trevor: Yes.

You: GREAT
You: You’ve been a HUGE help
You: Can I give you a perfect 10 review somehow?
You: Customer Satisfaction Survey or something?

Trevor: Thank you for your feedback, Joshua.

You:

Trevor: Do you have a minute to spare? We care for you and would really like you to get the best possible benefits while banking with us.
Trevor: Keeping this in mind, Bank of America has designed a complete new tool, which will help you to manage your finances much better.
Trevor: Please check this site out, and I am sure you will really be much rewarded and manage your finances much better after this :
Trevor: http://learn.bankofamerica.com/?cm_mmc=General-_-vanity-_-ZZ01VN0039_learn-_-FIN_WELL

You: Thank you

Trevor: Thank you for choosing Bank of America’s Text Chat Service! We appreciate and value your business and have a wonderful day!

• Writing an alternate-history sci-fi lexicon of a supposed den of hallucinogen dealers, just so I could name it "Ergot Argot": overkill? #
• My ex-wife bought my son a cell phone.  That's reasonable.  I mean, he'll be six later this year. #
• RT @thinkgeek geeky license plates.  Most awesome? http://cli.gs/UmXgPW Also great? http://cli.gs/MaB3Bt #

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• I've put a new masthead photo image on http://mcgees.org.  If you were holding your breath for one, exhale. #

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I don’t smoke a tobacco pipe any longer (someone said “or shorter?”)  But somewhere around or under my pathologically cluttered and messy desk I’ve had a bag of Cavendish break open and it smells so great I haven’t gone looking for it to clean it up.

In my backpack you’d find tons of questionably-druggy-looking items — a pill crusher, for instance — and a spoon.  A rather nice one, which is technically paraphernalia, but only because (and I swear I am not making this up just for comic effect) the place where I go to drink premium tea doesn’t have metal spoons available.

(I don’t have a “drugs” category to tag this with already?  It appears I’ve gotten along without one for a decade, despite long reflections on various medications and grunge musicians.  This strikes me as a lousy excuse to add one, so it stays under “tea”.)

I just slogged through about half an hour’s worth of text on Wikipedia to try to find a reference I swear I remember reading about on IMDB in its earliest days (1997?)  Both discussed the MPAA ratings system, but the IMDB feature/article — crucially — discussed the MPAA’s own wording that NC-17 rating:

can be based on violence, sex, aberrational behavior, drug abuse or any other element that most parents would consider too strong and therefore off-limits for viewing by their children.  [emphasis added]

The IMDB piece listed examples of “aberrational behavior” which included — and I am sure I am not making this up — homosexual sex and cannibalism.  Other stuff, too, but these criteria are way out the window, aren’t they?  Movies are getting Best-Picture Oscars with the former, and, cannibalism?  You’re going to want to quit this post if you’re squeamish, and stay away for the rest of the post, OK? –

So I’m giving your eyes a chance to decelerate –

Which continues here –

Thanks.  It’s an R cut of the tedious Hannibal — right? — that showed one character eating the brain of a simultaneously living, speaking human being onscreen.  Yiee.  We’ve discussed movie ratings on this site before — here is Bob Mike arguing more eloquently and persuasively than I, par example — and those links exist to follow if one desires.  But a couple of points stand out, which include:

1. A lot of people consider Requiem for a Dream to be a more NC-17-deserving film than I do (is it “that scene” for everyone?)
2. I’ve stated, then taken it back, then taken my takeback back, that the Kill Bill franchise really should have had a harsher rating than Erin Brokovich in any even-partially-enlightened society (I haven’t phrased it that directly before), and
3. I’ve forgotten my third point

But while Requiem was a captivating, horrifying, brilliant viewing for me, why oh why oh why didn’t Saving Private Ryan get an NC-17?  I would understand an actual war footage being shown on TV-PG History Channel or something.  But this was different.  This was a director staging scenes of a soldier walking around holding his severed arm and people literally getting their heads blown off.  Because it was Spielberg (honest question)?  But as squeamish as the latter made me, Ôdishon, which I watched on DVD, had me progressively squirreling back further into my chair, as (the squeamish are gone already, right?) the film depicts a captive, crippled prisoner being forced to eat vomit, acupuncture needles being stuck into eyeballs, and a limb being extremely graphically severed with a pipe saw.  For that I was thinking “Holyfuckingshit what are they allowing in R-rated movies these days?!” all the way until I got up, shivered, and put the DVD back in its case, at which point I realized it was “unrated”.  So, yeah.  Going back to read my post, because I think I had a point.  Be right back.

Oh, right, Rachel Miner.  While, yes, it creeps me out to catch myself dreaming about someone who used to be married to Macaulay Culkin, it’s fascinating that she is essentially repertory cast (right word?) in the After Dark Horrorfest, of which I’m immensely fanboy.  They had her at the booth at ComiCon, apparently, which would have been reason enough for me to go to the festival, pay the admission fee, and deal with the crowds, but then I’d have to admit that I did all that to meet Rachel Miner.  She has a fantastic quote cited at IMDB:

Basically, I get paid to be crazy.  I get paid to believe I’m someone else, live in a completely false reality, and believe it’s real.  And that’s a little scary.  I do it to the best of my ability.  But it’s kind of like swimming out to sea.  You have to leave enough energy to swim back, and sometimes you get scared you swam too far.

Which is, I think, both immensely creepy and totally indicative of the devotion she brings to her roles, which (along with the left eyebrow) I queue to see.  Or, Netflix-queue.  Whatever.

Cannibalism.  Fear Itself (previously), a series that featured shorts directed by  different horror auteurs, I saw in shuffled order.  They were shown on network TV and several of them had the horror plot or reveal to be “cannibalism”.  In one — Skin and Bones? — well, rent it, if you’re into shock-value cannibalism.  On broadcast TV.  The Rachel Miner episode, which was a different episode, had a foursome of criminals (?) seek shelter in the commune of a pseudo-Amish group of cannibals.  At least, I’m pretty sure that’s where it was going, but I turned it off for being too tedious (not shocking).  “Abberational” indeed.  Let me get my thirty-year-old’s panties in a wad — parent of a five-year-old, remember — and get freaked out, not about what’s being put into R-rated movies these days, but about what they’re allowing on network TV these days.  Not that that’s strictly relevant — I don’t have a TV (Really — I know every middlebrow says that, but I really don’t.  I had two but didn’t want them any longer and sold them.)

MPAA.  Aberration.  TV, standards, and all that.  I think this all vaguely knits together, but I’m not quite convinced.  So, yum cannibalism yum.  Yum homosexuality yum.  Oh, and Rachel Miner.

• ♫"You don't understand who they thought I was supposed to be.  Look at me now, a man who won't let himself be."♫ #
• Bored 12-year-old (?) spammed my site for 20 min, saying he hacked it. To be targeted jabs, he READ it. One line in .htaccess to stop. WTF? #
• To be fair though, I was in a lousy mood, and dealing with that shit was a boost.  I just wish it had been harder than crushing a cockroach. #

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Why does historical fiction — or mock-historical fiction — consider “fair” to be an attribute of feminine beauty and “dark” to contribute to male beauty?  Have we inherited multiple cultures’ standards?  But note that Gaelic folklore, in customs such as First-footing, maintains the disparity (at least insofar as hair color) in one society’s traditions.

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Do you know the way in which Western bloggers might have something (brilliant but) insulting about hardline Muslims, but then don’t post out fear for personal safety?  I feel the same way as a nerd blogger w.r.t. Star Wars and LotR.  So, I’m not going to say it, OK?  I’m just going to link to [Shitty] designs in Star Wars, something I’ve thought for a long time.  Please keep the carbonite away, OK?  If you do come at me, come at me with a blaster: fire your beam of light, I’ll be able to finish my snack, take a short nap, and then dodge.

Mentally ill deaf man with stomach problems goes into a convenience store bathroom.  An hour later, he’s still in there (later, the family explains “he needs extra time” due to his stomach problems) and the cops are called.  They start banging on the door and shouting, which he can’t hear.  They get a crowbar and start trying to force their way in.  He thinks The Devil is coming to get him.  They break in, he pushes them, they push him back.  They pepper spray him, but then they see his weapon: an umbrella.  The Tazer comes out and they shock him three times.

YouTube (Flash, video, audio, auto-start)

• Parents are great a lot. Sometimes fucking *rad*. & Sometimes they hit that bitch of ball out of the park. Fuckin' A.  Tadcu & Moogs *rock*. #
• No night sleep AGAIN! Shit! It's dawn!

  Oh, wait, it's 6:30pm, and it's *dusk*.

  Yesterday: where did the hours go?!
  Today: … come from?! #

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Applying an antibiotic ointment just now to a burn on my abdomen that scabbed over, broke open, and started to bleed profusely (yeah, ouch), I was reminded of a Neosporin TV ad from some (many) years ago.  It showed a woman’s index finger, apparently the same finger, on each side of the screen.  There was a similar cut on the fingers in both frames: on the left, it was almost healed, and on the right, it was infected.  The voiceover or caption said something like “after five days, the cut with the Neosporin healed much more quickly.”

OK, so, a couple of options.  One is that they faked it: that the cuts were clever bits of makeup, and, therefore, clever bits of lying.  But otherwise?  Think about the call sent out to talent agents, which would have to be something like this:

Needed: Adult female hand model.  We will cut the model’s finger, apply an ointment, then photograph it five days later.  We will wait for the wound to completely heal, then we will cut the model’s finger again, apply no ointment, allow it to get infected, and then photograph that wound.

What was going on?

• RT @postsecret "A stunning Sports Illustrated statistic: 3 out of 4 NFL players will be bankrupt within three years of retiring." #
• RT @postsecret @revees_please: "I accidentally texted my brother "come over & we can BONE" instead of "bond".  Awkward! #

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I forgot to lock Sebastian (cat) in the bathroom last night, and he woke me at 04h00 again.  He stood next to me and raowed at maximum volume until I got up.

To clarify, he did not wake me in order to be let out: he is an indoor cat and never goes out.  He did not wake me because he was in need of food: he has food, even has it the piling-above-the-walls-of-his-food-bowl-and-onto-the-floor way he demands before he will eat.  He woke me for company while he ate breakfast.

It is not sufficient to wake him and escort him into the bathroom, turn on the light, pet him, and go back to sleep.  Lord help me I’ve tried.  No: that will result in another round of raowing.  He needs me to sit on the toilet lid for the entirety of his meal.  I am not sure this says more about his psyche or mine, but whichever (could be both) of is is deviant, I am, undeniably, a less social being than is my cat.

No more flames yet.  But the day is young.

• In an *extremely* pissy mood. #

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I’m ready for an online head to head, but I cannot think of anything incendiary, so would one of my readers please make up something I’d probably believe (if you’re a reader, you will know that could be pretty much anything), attribute it to me, and I’ll defend it tooth-and-nail?  Bonus points: make it about a white-trash murderer, and get the guy’s family onstage to throw chairs!!1!.

You can do it right here:

• I woke and thought "Wow, finally a good night's sleep!" Then I looked at the clock. 03:00. Three hours of sleep.  :-/ #
• I've never liked Debussy.  Someone suggested I listen to La Mer.  Nope, I still don't like Debussy.  Not even as a friend. #
• RT @tsgnews "Not a good t-shirt to be wearing when booked into jail" (Please don't put explosives in the trash, guys!) http://bit.ly/c6Nia #

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eBay has always had an odd culture: eBay treats its sellers like crap, but the same sellers hang out on discussion boards and flame any newcomers who try to bring up complaints.  Serious, horrible flames.

This has struck me as rather a cult arrangement: infinite power vested in the authority structure, progressive limiting of freedom, cutting members off from their assets, and, all the while, the people most hurt by this behavior are supporting the power in a fashion that would make Joe the Plumber recoil.

But this is not a rant against eBay.  There are plenty of those.  I’m not even bitter that no one is answering any of my emails trying to clarify the situation, namely, that I owe them about $100, that I consider paying this back a moral obligation as well as a legal one (like I feel with my personal loans), and the only thing that has kept me from paying so far is I don’t have the money.  Concisely: when I’z gots the money, theyz gots it. 

I’m not bitter.  Bemused is better — by the progressively more Jonestown tone eBay is taking with me in automated emails.  So this was a really long wind-up for this, received today:

Because you are delinquent in paying your fees, we have suspended your eBay account.  Your current listings have been ended and you are no longer a member of the eBay Community.  [emphasis added]

But … but but but … why couldn’t you just end my listings and suspend me, but [sniffle] not excommunicate me?  I want to go hide under a blanket and cry.  I’m not a part of the eBay Community any more [sob]!!1!  Can’t I just do some penance?  Like, make me pay $0.30 to use their profoundly ugly templates ten times, and twenty Hail Donahoes?  Readers: any suggestion how to handle this without self-flagellating?  I’ve asked eBay but … but but but … they seem to have better things to do.                      More important than the survival of my very soul?!

Do you know the true irony?  The best way I have to generate $100 on short notice is to sell shit on eBay.

• I'm reachable again on my Google Voice number. #

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If you have a Skype number for incoming calls, and are registered with Google Voice, it occurred to me how you can make domestic phone calls through Skype for free.  Go to Google Voice, type in the number you want to call, tell it to ring your Skype number, and hit “Connect”.  Skype will ring.  Pick it up, and Google will dial the number you entered, and Google Voice will connect you..  Voila: a free Skype call.

This will only work if you have registered your Skype number with your Google Voice account, which is straightforward.

If this is blindingly obvious, sorry for the bandwidth.

Niall (from the backseat):  Daddy, may I have more coconut M&Ms?

Joshua:  No.

N:  May I have them later?

J:  I’m sorry, Niall, I ate them.

N:  Oh!  But they’re a wiminated edition!

J:  You’re talking like a collector already.

N:  What?

J:  Nothing.

N:  Does that mean they are only available for a wiminated amount of time?

J:  Limited.

N:  Wimited.

J:  Yes, that’s what that means.

N:  Oh!

You know what’s great?  25 year old Highland Park Single Malt Scotch.

You know what I haven’t had in a trillion years?  25 year old Highland Park Single Malt Scotch.

Do you know why Highland Park 25 is so expensive?  Lots and lots (and lots) of the spirit evaporates from the casks, leaving less ethanol (== money) in the cask.  This, in a fanciful turn of phrase, is called “The Angels’ Share”.

Do you know what I want those angels to do for me?  Sing me to my rest.

Do you know why?  Six mm disc herniation at L5/S1 and impossible-to-fill prescriptions.

See you on the flipside…

Where oh where do I tweet a cleverwhittled140 to say that Twitter is down?  Here?  Ha!  I get 14 more characters starting NOW:

I iz in ur space-time continuum, upsetting all your gravity and quantums and stuffs.
/cheezburger

And the one Dave wanted:

• From spam: "Nothing brings more fun and pleasure than making money in an honest way – try gambling with us and make sure yourself." #
• RT @WhiteHouse: "chain emails … percolate on the internet". What?  "Percolate through"? "Propagate on"? Internet (caps!) is not a stove. #

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I once saw an absolutely appalling Pepsi ad: it read, “If you must drink and drive, Drink Pepsi”.  shivers

So, in the same spirit and same lack-of-tact: I don’t recommend you use a Mac, nor recommend you upgrade to “Mac OS X Snow Leopard” (WTFIU with that name?), but if you do, and want to preorder, doest though through me and I’ll get an 8.5% kickback.