50 Reasons No One Wants to Publish Your First Book

10. They liked it better when it was called JANE EYRE and didn’t suck.
24. The alternative-history genre has lost its appeal. Everyone knows it doesn’t matter what else would have happened if the South won the Civil War and the Nazis won WWII: George W. Bush would still have been elected president.
27. You know the talented creative writing professor who told you your work showed so much creativity and promise? Turns out what he really meant was that he wanted you to blow him.
29. Everyone who attempts to load a copy of the manuscript onto their Kindle is found dead three hours later.
36. God may have told you to write this book, but he didn’t tell you how to give it a decent ending.
38. For the first 20 pages, everyone who reads it is certain it’s the funniest book they’ve ever read. Unfortunately by the 21st, they finally realize you’re actually being serious.
45. A general rule to follow when writing for kids: If you could go to jail for saying it to them in person, you’re better off not putting it into print.

And as for ultramegaouch:

15. It’s not technically a novel until you’ve written it down first.