If anyone else posted this I’d call this spam, but as I am the deity:

I have a coupon for $50 off a purchase of $125 or more at eBags, which is a store I really like, but I don’t need $125 worth of stuff from them right now.  This is not a free coupon I discovered, this is one I earned through an affiliate program.  There are the normal eBags contractual brand exclusions.

I’d take a $30 Amazon gc for it, or best offer.  Or, if no one offers to trade, I’d just give it to you if you asked nicely enough.

Anyone know of a site where such things can be traded (à la Plastic Jungle?)

Too precious not to quote:

don’t give your info to scam/phishing sites. these are generally easy to spot if you’re not cognitively impaired, like many American’s

(I was going to begin this post “O quantumcipher!  Although you are not here with us today, …” but I didn’t think that was funny enough.)

He’s not pretending.  He’s not just looking at the pictures.  He’s not moving his lips.  He’s not even distractable.  He is, however, five years old.  And he is my boy.

(Email subscribers visit site for image.)

Hi,

Joshua here.

I made $8198 last month answering surveys online.  Here is a picture of the check I created in Photoshop.

I joined this great survey company.  Several, actually.  They give me $0.35 every time I answer a survey such as “Which is better?  Nike or Adidas?”, as long as I agree to a certain number of offers.  Yeah, they all present the same offers, which would only be relevant if the underwriters checked to make sure you haven’t signed up more than once.  Just use different email addresses each time.  Doesn’t matter.  I still have an imaginary $8198.

Why am I mentioning this?  It’s free imaginary money.  Why wouldn’t I want to share this with you?  Hold on, let me give you a link.  Never mind that it’s a tinyurl link.  No reason for that.  Nothing to do with the fact that it embeds my affiliate ID, and instead of $0.35 I get $5 from the site if I get you to give your information.

They pay me every time I earn $20.  By check, in the mail, like clockwork.  I’ve earned $19.99 four-hundred ten times.  Look, that’s $8198.  It’s all mine.  As soon as I get that last penny from each of the sites, I’m buying a Saturn with cash.

It’s OK if you use a Private Mail Box and pretend it’s a residence address.  It actually gets you even more free stuff, like survey companies that subscribe you to newspapers and collect the referral fees.  Doesn’t bother me.  I just don’t pay the bill.  Eventually the papers stop coming.  Who could this hurt?

They’re out there.  They’re free for the asking.  Don’t go looking for yourself, though, let me do the looking.  It’s the only way I can accumulate imaginary money: by getting more victims.

OK.  Bad satire.  This is leading up to a point.

The point is: we all know those survey sites are lies.  Fortunately, I’ve done extensive research, and there happen to be a few really great ones.  You’re my friends.  Why wouldn’t I want to share these with you?  Hold on, I’ll send you the link.  What is this “tinyurl” of which you speak?

OK.  Head-fake.  Here’s the real point.

The point is: there are sites that genuinely give you free stuff.  If you are prepared, if you own a domain and can create throwaway addresses in case they get swamped, and you invest a little time, you can get real rewards.  I got a laptop lap desk at Borders.

OK.  Satire should stop.

Except, it’s not satire.  Not really.  I can actually show you the lap desk if you come over to my cottage.  Why wouldn’t I want to share this with you?

The answer is, because the internet has cried wolf.  No matter how much you love and trust me, no matter how many times I give you just the URL and not an affiliate link, there is going to be something untoward about it — or, even if there’s not, you’re going to wonder what my cut is.  I sincerely don’t have a cut.

My email address is joshua@mcgees.org.  This is where I entreat you to email me and, if you’re a friend, quietly slip you the URLs.

Except: I’m not going to tell you.  Not reverse psychology.  Not more satire.  Not cruelty.  I’m just not a fucking whore.  And even if you got the free lap desk at Borders, the cost of the requisite anti-louse body shampoo would be higher than its value.

They’re out there.  Really, they are.  Just like some strangers with candy just happen to be paid to hand out free candy (I got Jelly Bellies from the briefcase of a businessman at an airport, as an adult, after I said “What do you do?”, He said “Sales rep for Herman Goelitz”, and I said “Oh, that’s Jelly Bellies, isn’t it?”)  But for fuck’s sake: it’s not worth the time.  It’s not worth the nausea.  It’s not worth the lice.  Do something more honest and less icky, like check payphones — I know for a fact there are now seven in Los Angeles county — for returned quarters.  109 quarters and you get a lap desk.

I’m timestamping the point at which three new blog posts are written.  Thing is, they’re in my head.  This would generally not be a problem, as almost everything I write here is fully formed and formatted intracranially before I let my fingers type it out.  However, these three posts succumb to complications.

The first will require a fair amount of Google citation that I don’t want to bother with right now. 

The second is technical and polemic as currently composed (believe it or not, I actually do try to moderate both in posts I write), and requires some research for exact technical numbers and verbatim legal quotes — as well as bracing myself for the insane people who are sure to jump on the thread.

And the third, from which the first was chopped for reasons of pacing, is one of those difficult, sprawling, soul-searching ones (self-identity, ruminations on distant deaths, regret, genius, and addiction) that I inevitably end up re-writing on the page multiple times (in search of increased honesty, richer tone, and a more linearized presentation) before hitting publish.

So, apologies for my fatigue, and I hope it’s worth the wait.  If not, be forewarned, and I’ll be sure to label them ordinally — First, Second, Third — so that you can avoid — well, whatever you feel like avoiding.

Maybe if I attempt a brain purge onto the net:

I cannot stop dreaming about Katee Sackhoff.

Probably unrelatedly, I am awakened by back pain every morning.

The pain I can deal with.  The subconscious obsession is creeping me out.  It’s as if I’m stalking her in my sleep.  I’d steer clear of myself if I had the option.

In a show full of cover models, she is not, probably, the likely candidate for this.  But talent playing crazy-intense-complicated wins over boobies almost every time (cf. Jodie Foster).  If a politician emerges with anywhere near her ability to control microexpressions, we’re in trouble.

So, Katee, forgive me.  I promise I’m not stalking you consciously.  Just go on surfing.

Or, you know, email me.

</purge>

I haven’t gotten mine yet, but there is a swaggy Free Desk Lamp on offer.  It’s ad-supported.  A razor blade might take care of that, depending on what it’s painted with.

Let’s see if this shows up for subscribers, or if you’ll have to visit the site:

I’ve never really collected coins.  I’ve always been a stamp guy.  The most I’ve done with coins is to pull interesting ones from circulation: all the silver ones, for instance, and, over a couple of years, I sorted 35,000 (yes) pennies to look for interesting ones.  I got nearly a full set of Lincoln pennies — no steel ones, and not a couple of other unusual ones — and two Indian Heads: 1906 and 1909!  Woohoo!  In 35,000 coins.  And the grime took a year to fully come out of my hands.

There is a new development, though, that has gotten me interested in a big way: Euro coins.  Euro coins come in a bunch of denominations with the same obverses for each country, but each nation designs the reverse separately.  For every denomination, there are coins from a multitude of countries, all with fascinating designs.

I made a collector friend in Spain who collects US coins.  For Euro coins, he puts all non-Spanish ones he encounters in circulation into a big jar, and then sorts them at the end of the year for those he does not have in his collection.  He uses the rest for a vacation fund.  And he searched through the lot for me, to trade for — get this — U.S. state quarters, which run from $1 – $3 in Europe.  Each.  So I ran a few twenties through a change machine at the coin-op laundry, looking for those he needed (from a list he sent me.)  The rest I, um, used for laundry.  I mailed the others to him.  And he sent me about a kilo of Euro coins.  I’m way behind.  He keeps insisting he’s just sending pocket change.  I keep insisting that that’s exactly what I’m doing.

Anyway, I’m accumulating, and waiting for a little bit more money (or a Subway Stamp gift certificate) to buy albums.  The coins — and concept — are oh-so-neato, and with new countries joining the Euro, neatness abounds.

Hmm.  To create a “coins” category or not?  One post so far.  I’ll probably post about it again, though, so this post is filed:

You ain’t seen nuthin yet.  Just try to get there from your remote.

Time Warner Cable, in Los Angeles, carries an On Demand station called FEARnet — the on-demand version of the website, wherein you can watch free horror movies, television episodes, and shorts to your heart’s content.

Deciding that I wanted to learn how to get to FEARnet intentionally, rather than by hitting random buttons, I searched out a reliable method, dear Reader.  Namely:

Hit the big orange button in the middle of the remote that says “On Demand”.

You’re welcome.

It’s OK, I’ll wait.  Go try it.

Type type type wait quick brown foxymophandlemama backyet?good.

Ha.  Ha ha.  Bet you fell for that.  Ha.  Loser.  Of course you can’t access free, on-demand horror programs by going through the On Demand menu.  What you really need to do is hit the triangular button marked “A”, which maybe-stands-for-or-it’s-just-a-fortuitous-accident “Access Menu”.

Go try.

Back?  Yeah, it’s not in the list, is it?  Look on the bottom of your screen.  What looks like a status bar is actually a scrolling menu that you access with the horizontal buttons on your remote, rather than boringly scrolling up and down through the Actual Menu.

Remember, dear Reader, that we’re trying to access free horror movies, TV episodes, shorts, and maybe other stuff.  So, scroll long enough, and you will see a button that says “Free On Demand”.

You’re welcome.

And then — um — hmm.  What category does it fit into?  Not “Local”.  Not “Kids”.  Maybe “Entertainment” or “Cutting Edge” (voting for the latter, if for nothing else than the play on words.)

OK, I’ll wait while you go through “Entertainment”.  Remember to scroll vertically through all the options.

No?  Well then, they are clever.  It’s in “Cutting Edge”.  See?  Cutting Edge?  Slasher flicks.  Fits!  There you find the free horror content.

Easy.

Ha!  Psyche!  Trick!  Other stuff they used to say in junior high!  Why in the world would free content be under the “Free On Demand” menu in the first place?!  You blithering moron!  What’s wrong with you?

What you actually do to watch free horror content, which includes (just reminding you) television episodes, is go to “Movies On Demand” instead of “Free On Demand”.  Note to self: television episodes are movies if they’re horror television episodes.

OK, whew.  Wanna take a break?

No, you can’t, can you?  You have to do this quickly or you get thrown off the menus.  So we’ll do this properly.  We’re in “Movies On Demand” now.  And now a vertical menu!  Woot!  Scroll up to “Free Movies”.  That’s all there is to it.

I think I’ve cried UI wolf.  You don’t believe me, do you?  Yeah, I admit, FEARnet is not on the first screen.  But we may actually be getting closer.  Hint: it’s a horizontal menu again.  Scroll right, it’s faster.  FEARNET.  Just hit “Select” to, um, select that content.

Grrumph.  Frak.  No no no, that’s not at all what we want.  Turns out, the FEARnet content is in a vertical scroll menu in the upper-left on your screen.  Scroll up and down.  “Select” does things better left to horror movie screenwriters.

We’ve made it!  It’s actually pretty cool.  Hit “Info” for info about the shows, “Select” to play them.  Start your movie (warning: High Tension is pan-and-scan and dubbed.)

OK, how far did you get before the DVR unceremoniously kicked you out of your movie?  If it was more than ten minutes, you’ve beat me.

You’re kicked out because you scheduled two broadcast shows to record simultaneously, and one (or both) just kicked in.  Graciously, they give you a message explaining this.  They give you a pop-up menu through which you can easily cancel one of the tuned programs if you want to watch your on-demand program.

OK, don’t wait too long for the pop-up menu.  It won’t actually, um, appear.  You’ll just be kicked out of your movie.  Fortunately it seems to pause the movie where you left it.

Now the trick is to get out of the On Demand menu.  Just press “Exit”.  I mean, “Stop”.  I mean, “A”.  Or “B”.  Or “C”.  Elephino.  Usually I just type in a channel number and it takes me there, wherein I can do DVR-type stuff to my heart’s content.  Your still-beating, tell-tale heart.  Yum.

OK, I’ll wait.  But not long.  I have stuff to watch.  Wait.  Thought I did.  Frak.  What’s step two again?